Turok Sucks!

Let’s get something out of the way right off the bat:  Turok is another totally shitty PS3 game (see  my Viking review).  I only bought it b/c I got it for $20 and I’m waiting for a good game to come out on PS3 (some good ones coming up in October).

The storyline is stupid, often nonsensical, and you won’t give a shit whether Turok lives or dies.  It doesn’t even really deserve a long review, so I’ll just post a list of things that are dumb, stupid, or crappy about this game.

It appears the plot was developed by some drunk 13 year olds sitting around talking about what would be really cool!  Guns, soldiers, outer space, dinosaurs, Indians (Native American), bows and arrows, jungles, giant scorpions, military compounds.  Wow.

The graphics suck, the targeting is clunky as all hell, no finesse whatsoever.  Some guns allegedly have silencers, but they still make loud noises.  Crouching does not markedly improve your stealth or your protection behind objects; and stealth pretty much doesn’t exist in this game.  There is no HUD or map.  You somehow find a compound bow and explosive arrows all over the place on this planet (as if these are common weapons for future space mercenaries).  Slow movement, confusing perspective and controls.  You cannot reconfigure the controls whatsoever, so you are stuck with the designer’s control set (which sucks).  You cannot pick up an enemy’s uniform to disguise yourself and elude them.  The game alludes that the bad guy’s big secret on the planet is to create a race of giant scorpions (how unoriginal and stupid).  But why would you want to create a race of giant scorpions when the planet is already highly populated with dangerous dinosaurs (raptors, T-Rex, etc.)?  It makes no sense whatsoever.

You will run through long boring caverns.  You will run through long, boring jungles.  You will run through long, boring military bases.  And then you will run through them some more!

Oh, and did I mention that when you somehow find yourself in an underground cavern (and encountering giant scorpions that somehow erupt from solid rock!) you will have to fight a giant kraken, just like in Lord of the Rings!

At the end of the game, you’ll have to fight your former military commander, who is now the rogue leader in charge of the Giant Scorpion Breeding Doomsday Plan!  Smash R2 and L2 together to kill him and you have the most anti-climactic fight scene ever!  And you still will not really understand why you were mad at him, or what he was up to with breeding giant scorpions, and how the building of massive military bases to breed those scorpions made sense to anyone in the universe from a financial perspective.  “Yes, go to the planet of dangerous dinosaurs.  Build a $500,000,000,000 base and breed giant scorpions!  Never mind that the dinosaurs living on that planet are already more dangerous than the scorpions, and it would make sense to use them instead!”

Whoever made the design/plot decisions for this game should be relegated to some sort of Commodore 64 programming hell for no less than 10 years.

I hate myself for feeling compelled to finish this game.

Turok. 1.5 out of 10.


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